Wednesday, 6 May 2009

The Interval

Right it is definitely time for a new blog post. It has been a long time since the last one

Unfortunately I am way too drunk to write it now. Instead I'll try to type out this short message

I will write a new post tomorrow the next day or maybe the day after.

Anyway maybe after I look at this I'll feel embarrassed enough to write a proper one.

I have a lot of stuff in my head such as - football, swine flu, credit crunch and Coco Pops. All need to be discussed so the next one may be a long one.

Anyway until then stay strong and remember... be a fan of life - its fun.

Friday, 20 March 2009

Reinventing the wheel

Now there is one thing that that I don’t understand about this intraweb of ours. It is an amazing thing of course and it seems to get better with everyday although my connection seems to be getting worse.

But I just don’t understand these next two ‘web crazes’ Twitter and Spotify.

The thing is they say they are new but we already had them, they are just being repackaged as new, not as good things. For Twitter read Facebook and for Spotify read any site ever that you could download music off whether it be illegal or not.

I honestly can’t see the point of Twitter. I’ve been told that it helps to break news stories which I’m all for. But if I’m honest that’s what news websites are there for. Ok so we might get the information a tad later but I’m pretty sure we can live. We have been doing all right so far.

Someone actually told me that Twitter could be used to break news on disasters such as a school shooting or something. Now I may be old fashioned but if I witnessed a shooting the last thing I would do is to find a computer and boot up twitter. I’d probably be a bit tied up in calling the police or something.

No, the only thing I can see that is good about Twitter is the ability to see what celebrities are doing. Now I’m Steven Fry’s biggest fan but I really don’t care if he’s in Borneo. Likewise I’m not bothered if Jimmy Carr has just eaten a pizza.

Give me Facebook status updates from people I know and like over Twitter any day.

Now Spotify is a weird one for me because I can understand were it is coming from it’s just that I am totally against it in every way.

Me personally I have to have music stored somewhere whether physically in CD’s or vinyl’s or on a hard drive. I understand that some people aren’t as anal about it as me so I can let it go. What I don’t understand is how they would put the music onto an mp3 player. I don’t think I could live without my ipod even though it is slowly falling apart.

Another thing that perplexes me is that you have to listen to an advert every twenty minutes. I HATE adverts of all kinds. I go out of my way to avoid adverts at all times. Why would I then willing listen to them when I can get the music without adverts just as easily?

Rant over.

One little thing I want to put in here is that as of last night I currently have 850 albums on the ol’ laptop, a fact I am mighty proud of.

Track of the Blog
Last of the English Rose – Pete Doherty

Showing that there is actually talent underneath the hated image conjured by the tabloids.

Album of the Blog
Alas I Cannot Swim – Laura Marling

There are not enough people that know about this girl. She is simply amazing. Her acoustic songs are often quite sad but beautiful at the same time. Although her best song yet ‘London Town’ isn’t on the album.


Thursday, 19 March 2009

The Perfect Career

I lie here unable to sleep once again so I thought I’d write down some of what was on my mind. I find myself thinking of what I want to do after I finish this degree.

I think now I have nearly given up on my dream of being a professional footballer.

The ability just hasn’t materialized as I hoped. Of course I have done very little to achieve these abilities. I was just kind of hoping for it to just happen.
I would have liked the pace and finishing of Torres, the drive and determination of Gerrard, the quick feet and silky skills of Messi, the perfect 10 achieved by Ronaldo in the diving, the smooth baldy round weapon that is Zindane’s head and the ability to survive throughout the Ice age that Rooney seems to possess.

With these qualities combined I would then use them to invent a new sport. Ice diving. Basically it’s just jumping of a cliff in the Arctic into some ice. My smooth baldy head will break through the ice with no damage to my brainbox and my caveman stature will allow me to stay alive in the freezing cold.

I think I’ll pitch it towards Americans; they are stupid enough to do it.

Anyway if this journalism stuff doesn’t work out I’ll just become a rock star. Hell, how hard can it be? I mean if Miley Cyrus can get a record deal and The Moldy Peaches can put this on a album - - (I actually love that song) I figure I’ll just turn up and they will fall to my feet in awe.

I have also been trying to get work experience for a while now and although I have sent three, count them - one - two - three emails to NME I have yet to get a response. Now this is just rude. So from now on I am engaging in open warfare with NME. Well not so much warfare, I’ll still buy it… and read the website… and follow blindly whoever they say is the next big thing.

(Seriously. White Lies? They are just another version of Interpol. Who were crap to start of with. Although I do like Farewell To The Fairground. Mainly because it sounds like The Rascals.)

But anyway I’m starting my email blitz. I think one a day for a while and then increase it to one every hour until I get a reply even if its ‘stop emailing us, you creep. We will contact the authorities’. That’s a win in my eyes.

Track of the Blog
All I Want Is You – Barry Louis Polisar

Makes me want to learn the guitar just so I can strum along to this. Lovely stuff.

Album of the Blog
Juno Soundtrack

Although the film is actually appalling, the soundtrack is genius. Filled with soft acoustic melodies, it’s enough to make anyone fall in love.


Sunday, 15 March 2009

All sport is pointless, apart from football of course.

My week so far has been literally incredible. I sit here on a wave of euphoria wondering how to get down so I can cook my tea. The reason for my pure joy is my beloved football team, the mighty Liverpool FC. In what has been a lovely week they managed to beat the once mighty Real Madrid 4-0 and then hated rivals Manchester United 1-4 at Old Trafford. Our season seems to be back on track and although I still think United will win the title I think we can say we have challenged and push on from there.

And anyway we’ll win the Champions League.

All this football got me thinking about other sports that I simply do not understand.

Rugby – Seems to me just stupid people running into each other and calling it sport, although they are bigger than me so they can do what they want.

Hockey – I’m sorry but what could possibly be fun about running about with a stick whacking each other. Seems utterly pointless.
Still lovely posh girls play it so it has some redeeming qualities.

Basketball – I suppose this is alright. I’ll let it of the hook this time.

And this brings us neatly to the mother of all non-sports…


You can’t play anything for 5 days and it still is a draw at the end. Simple as that.

At the moment I completely swamped with hundreds of essays of which I understand none of them so that’s fun. I’m going to get cracking on one of them in a minute and try not to procrastinate too badly. Now seems like a good time. There is nothing to watch on tele, my internet is so slow iplayer is inaccessible, my flat mate is not here, there is no food in the fridge so I cant waste time by eating and my playstation has finally given up the ghost.

Time for some work, I’ll just tidy my room first…

Track of the Blog
Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before – The Smiths

Simply incredible before Mark Ronson came along and murdered it dead.

Album of the Blog
Years of Refusal – Morrissey

I like this new one because although not as good as some of the older ones, ‘Throwing My Arms Around Paris’ is classic Morrissey. ‘I’m OK By Myself’ and ‘Its Not Your Birthday Anymore’ are also rather brilliant.


Friday, 6 March 2009

Solving the World’s Problems

There’s been a bit of a gap since the last post but now the time has come for my solution to the world's problems that everyone has been waiting in eager anticipation for.

This idea seems so simple to me that either it is pure genius or its simply ridiculous. Probably the latter.

Now the basic idea is to get a couple of cows and clone them like dear old Dolly, as many times as necessary and stick them all in a massive warehouse. A nice big one with lots of space to move about in. After all we are not animals

Now it gets a bit childish but bare with me. You then attach some sort of pipe to the cow’s backside and collect all the methane that they produce to use as a gas to burn for power. Then when they get to their prime age bump them off and you have enough beef for everyone. Obviously the vegetarians will object but to be honest would you prefer to eat a lovely juicy steak that admittedly you might find disgusting or would you like to starve? So sorry Mum looks like your eating habits will have to change.

Now I honestly can’t see anything wrong with this idea so if you can point out any holes, which there are probably many, then feel free.

Just remember if it gets picked up by government, that it was here that the idea was first thought of. It could make me rich and famous or then again it could not. I’m not fussed.

I’ve managed to increase my overdraft so the fridge has been replenished with food and vodka so life is once again charming. I had to go into the bank to do it and was served by the most ridiculously cheerful person I’ve ever seen. It was un-nerving.

I don’t think I could be that happy working in a bank. It seems so passionless with all the blue and black plastic, dull marks and sparks suits and old people withdrawing five-pound notes. There is something about banks that make me nervous. I keep expecting someone to jump out and tell me that I’ve done something wrong. There is also the constant fear of a bank robbery happening, which would actually be quite exciting. Apart from the danger of being actually killed.

Track of the blog
Omen - The Prodigy

Good to see them back with a track that may actually, amongst all of their stand out songs, be on the top of the pile.

Album of the blog
Empire of the Sun – Walking on a Dream

Doing MGMT before MGMT, the Australian duo captures a beautiful image of a picturesque beach down under. Walking on a Dream and Half Mast my personal favorites.


Sunday, 1 March 2009

Sleepless nights and wasted hours

One of the banes of my life seems to be back and this time it’s not my hair. It’s the sporadic episodes of insomnia that I seem to suffer from. At the moment I’ve been up for about 24 hours, which isn’t that bad but the problem comes when I don’t know when I’ll actually be able to sleep. Hopefully tonight but who knows.

When sleep is unattainable I find that my mind drifts onto some of the most weird and wonderful things. Just this night I wondered do the girls in the Sugerbabes call the first few singles their own seeing only one of the original three are in it nowadays?

Other random questions and general musings include…

How I solved world hunger and the problem of renewable energy all in one neat solution but more on that next blog as I feel it needs its own special one.

Is Akon real or an invention of the ring tone companies?

Do people still get ring tones and stupid applications from those awful adverts?

Is listening to music from Disney’s Robin Hood on an everyday basis acceptable?
(Most definitely is the conclusion - Oo-de-lally by George Bruns is beautiful)

Do you have to have a tattoo to be a tattoo artist?

Sometimes I find myself planning out certain aspects of my life, which is great as I’m not a great planner. However I inevitably find that if I do manage to fall asleep all of it has disappear out of my head the next day and if I haven’t slept and its still all up there in the old brainbox, I’m just too damn lazy to do any of it so the whole process is pretty useless.

Another thing that I often think about is one of the most infuriating things in the world, which is of course the mystery that is Football Manager. This is one of the most perplexing things I've ever had the misfortune to encounter.

For those not familiar with the concept, you are the manager of any football team you care to imagine. The game basically involves taking them to greatness but there is no actual playing involved, all you do is watch the dots on the screen and try and be all tactical. Obviously this sounds pretty dull and you would think so until you play the stupid thing then you are hooked. Turn it on and the next time you look up it’s two hours later and you realized that yet another part of your life has been wasted on the damn thing.

It even finds ways to creep into your mind at other times. Laying in bed I find myself thinking about if I pushed Steven Gerrard into a more attacking role would I be able to break down the opposition easier (answer is yes, considerable) or if I should risk playing Fernando Torres because he’s just come back from an injury but then again we have an important game against Man U which could be the title decider and they are really on form (answer is doesn’t matter, they still beat us 3-0 and we lost the title)

In other news I’m getting into some dire straights with the whole living situation. You know that things are pretty serious when there is no vodka in the house. Sitting here looking at the last empty bottle on the table is made worse by the fact I will be living of porridge made with water and bread for the next couple of days/weeks until I either get a job or my overdraft gets increased. I’ll keep you updated on any exciting developments.

Hey ho, the life of a grown-up or in my case, a child with the ability to buy alcohol which is a much more fun image.

Track of the Blog
Lene Marlin - Sitting Down Here

Just came on one of the music channels and brought me back to a more youthful time of 1999. Made me all cheerful and set the day up nicely.

Album of the Blog
Colour It In – The Maccabees

One of my favorite albums of all time. The mix of the beautiful on Toothpaste Kisses and the urgent driven rhythm on Latchmere makes it pretty much prefect.

I’m looking forward very much to the next effort. So far so good with No Kind Words pretty ace.


Friday, 27 February 2009

From humble beginnings

Hello and welcome to the new ground breaking blog that the world all over will soon be raving about. To begin I feel that we need a truly massive story to capture an idea of what this blog will be covering. We could go for Obama’s plans to pull most US troops out of Afghanistan by august 2010 or the fact that HBOS made a loss of 10.8bn in 2008.

Nope, these don’t carry the right kind of magnitude.

The real story that everyone is talking about is, of course… the problem with my hair.

I’ll give you a quick description of said barnet for those of you who haven’t seen it in all its magnificence. It’s a fairly messy, reasonably long, kind of indie looking style at the moment and I would say that I’m happy with at least 90% with the perfect width, height and circumference.

However the problem comes with the daily, nay, hourly battle I have with my damn fringe to stay where I want it and not part in the middle leaving me looking like I have old school David Beckham curtains that have gone horribly wrong. Ideally it would sit comfortably across the whole forehead with little movement. When in this rare state of perfection I am untouchable. Women swoon, men bow to me like some kind of demi-god, children flock to marvel at its magnificence, tentatively asking if they can touch it which of course is answered by a swift slap and the reply of ‘get away from me you dirty urchin’.

However note the use of the phrase ‘rare state’. It is in fact so rare it has actually never happened. I live in hope but all that happens at the moment is women scream and run, men shoulder charge me with a casual insult thrown in for good measure.
And the children? They throw Smarties at me. (Someone did once throw a Smartie at me. It hurt.)

So you can see dear readers that I am in quite a dilemma. If any one has an answer to my problem let us know.

Now a part of the blog I think I want to get going, a new feature if you will, is track of the blog and album of the blog. Just so you lucky things can see what is influencing my mood at this time. So…

Track of the Blog
Ultraviolence (Spank Rock Mix) – Heartsrevolution

An absolute banger of a tune. When the beat drops in I can’t help but start dancing.

Album of the Blog
Which Bitch? – The View

Maybe not as good as their incredible first; the boys from Dundee have nonetheless pulled quite a remarkable album out of the bag. Stand out tracks would be Glass Smash and Give Back The Sun.